I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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