yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
