Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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