Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
