I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
