you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
