apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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