see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Less talking, more tequila
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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