I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
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My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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