I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
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