I think I won the penis lottery.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
