I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
