Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
