how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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