I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
