I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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