I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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