I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize