She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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