True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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