matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
