Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
