All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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