She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
