my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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