I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
