A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
