this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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