I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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