that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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