Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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