I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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