The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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