my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
