my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
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I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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