Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
