he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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