Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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