i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
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