he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
