I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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