hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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