Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I need to calm my uterus...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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