I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
how drunk are you?
Several
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
