Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
