I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
