It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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