Will you blow on my dice?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
