Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
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I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
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Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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