I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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