he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
