hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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