it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
