I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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