I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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