While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
