Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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