My friends, they love my intelligence
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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