Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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